Saturday October 8, 2011
It is 3:21 am and I am afraid to step on the scale. Having lost 100 pounds and kept 80ish of it for 7 years isn't enough. I haven't reached my goal. I am not yet my ideal self. I have started to hunger for change. The kind of change that wakes me up in the middle of the night and says Do It, Now.
So, I am sitting at the keyboard with a glass of water, knowing something needs to change. And I have spent enough years studying nutrition and fitness to know what I should be doing. But I need to find the strength to actually commit to myself to make these necessary changes.
Clearly if I keep feeling this disconnect between who I know I want to be and who I see in the mirror, I will fall even deeper into depression. I can't win this weight-loss battle by talking or writing about it alone. Ultimately it is the choices that I make that will create the person I am longing to see in the mirror, in the dressing room, walking around this planet in the body and mind that I want to live in.
I am getting fed up with the belly fat that just keeps multiplying, the excess weight that I carry around my mid section. And I am creating it, each day through the stressed out life I am living. The ways I am coping with stress aren't building a happier healthier body.
Yesterday was one of the unhealthiest days in a long time. I started my day with a whole chocolate croissant, then at work there were doughnuts – so I had an old fashioned chocolate doughnut, and later that afternoon I had a chocolate cupcake, and then last night I had 8oz of scotch and a few handfuls of sugar coated cookies. Then, I woke up at 2:00 am with a sugar rush as my body tries to process all the extra calories I have subjected it to.
Today is a new day. I have a clean slate. At midnight the clock started over and this is the first hours of Saturday October 8th. For the rest of 2011 I have several options available to me. I can flirt with moderation. I can pursue this crazy binge I have been on. Or I can start creating the version of myself that I am longing to be. None of the ways I have approached this in the past have been complete failures. I have lost a lot of weight and kept a lot of it off. But I can do better.
The big challenges for me are clear. I need to take a break from alcohol. This one change alone will help boost my health and happiness so dramatically, I could almost stop there. But I don't want to just move in a better direction. I really want to set myself up to turn 38 on February 5, 2012 in the body that I want to live in.
To be able to create that healthiest version of me, instead of the current version, some better choices and habits need to be part of my every day life. This vision of mine is a vision worth fighting for. When I am in good physical shape every part of my life is richer. I feel happier. I feel more in control. My happiness is contagious and I am living the life I was meant to lead.
Setting myself up for success. I need to have a healthy breakfast. I need to have a healthy lunch. I need to have a healthy dinner. I need to eat food in the proper portions. I need to say No Thank You to the countless offers of excess calories.
I want to eat a lot more like Seven of Nine on Star Trek Voyager. “I do not require additional nutrients at this time.” This will be my mantra between meals, at work, and in the evening.
I need to set myself up for success by eating enough food at breakfast to get me through to lunch. Enough food at lunch to get me through to dinner. Enough food at dinner to get me through to breakfast.
Can I give up foods that contain flour, sugar and limit myself to drinking coffee with whole milk or half and half and water – and no other beverages through the end of the year and into February 2012? In 4 months can I get from where I am to where I want to be? If I find the strength to change, what will I have gained?
It makes it a lot easier to say no to something if you don't want it. Instead of saying no to the alcohol, I need to say yes to that healthiest version of myself. I don't need wine, beer, scotch etc to help me feel better after a long day at work, or to get a good feeling. The excess weight around my mid-section doesn't feel good. I don't want to carry it around with me anymore. That excess weight comes directly from the stuff I know I need to give up. I can make the decision to stop playing around and just do this.
No more. I am taking a break from alcohol. I may never drink again, but for now, I am saying it loud and clear. I am not going to drink alcohol between now and February 5, 2012.
I want to be the healthiest version of myself, and that beautiful woman doesn't drink alcohol. She prefers water. She still enjoys her morning coffee, but other than that she is a water drinking machine. She doesn't like the taste of beer or wine. They are bitter and sour. She doesn't like the taste of scotch, it is yucky and gross. She wouldn't let her daughter or son drink it – so she won't either. They can grow up without the smell of alcohol on my breath and the unsteady character that comes along with it. I want to be a calm strong force in their lives. I want to be happy and supportive of their needs. I am going to stop drinking as easily as I stopped smoking. I decided it was gross, and I never bought another pack. Now I think it smells disgusting and I hold my breath when I am around it.
Goodbye Ice Cream, Cookies, Cake, and other Sugary Foods. The healthiest version of myself doesn't say yes to eating handfuls of cookies and red vines and other sugary foods. I want to find the strength to become the person I want to be. I can eat some sugary treat on special occasions, but this binge that I am on isn't gong to get me where I want to be. I've pulled the car off the freeway and I am studying the map. I could take the long winding road and maybe freeze to death in the snow, or I could transport myself where I want to be. I don't need to get tempted by the Lap Band commercials and think ohh, if only I could qualify to call 1 800 Get Thin, I don't need that evil contraption, I just need to eat healthy foods in moderation. I will not spend another minute lamenting about the sugary stuff I could be eating. Any time I feel the urge, I will grab a handful of my belly fat or look at the cellulite on my thighs and say, No Thanks! I do not require non-nourishment sugary stuff at this time.
Goodbye Party Girl. I am a smart strong woman and I don't need to panic when I am at a party or potluck about eating unnecessary stuff. I can either plan ahead and eat a really great healthy choice, or I can make a healthy choice in the moment. If there isn't a healthy choice – I have permission to leave the event and go make a good choice. I will arm myself with water and emergency good choices. At work I won't say yes to any of the food that they put out for people to eat.
What am I saying yes to? I am saying yes to being the best role model I can be for my children. I am saying yes to being the sexy happy loving partner to my husband. I am saying yes to my creativity. I am saying yes to happiness. I am saying yes to increasing the amount of love and happiness I generate in the world. I am saying yes to being a shining star. I am saying yes to good choices. I am saying yes to my ability to succeed. I am saying yes to love. I am saying yes to a long and happy life. I am saying yes to the next four months of new found resolve. I am saying yes to going back to bed to get a good nights sleep.
Instead of sneaking to the kitchen at night and eating mindlessly, I will stop. There is no need to eat food after dinner. If I do feel hungry I will not die of starvation. I can sit with my hunger, or get up and do sit ups, or go for a walk. I can channel my desire to change into activities that will improve myself and my surroundings. I can fold the clothes in my daughter's drawer. I can get rid of extra junk in the junk drawers. I can file. I can wash dishes. I can have a sip of water and fill myself with a feeling of strong calm love.
Breakfast
Saturday October 8, 2011
Whole wheat toast with home-made almond & peanut butter
I told my husband Eric about the plan to stop eating crap and not to drink alcohol. He laughed when I said Treats on special occasions. “Oh, you're only going to eat crap on special occasions.” he quipped, as if it is never really a treat to eat crap. Well played sir. Now I am working on house hold chores. I got all the non-clothes items out of my lingerie drawer. By which I mean things like spare change, clothing tags,band-aids, guitar equipment, and kids toys.
Lunch
Two slices of whole wheat toast with egg and bacon. I debated about not eating the bacon and decided if I am not asking Eric to cook it, and he does – then it is fine in moderation. I didn't snack between lunch and dinner.
Dinner
Artichoke with a yogurt lemon garlic sauce. Roasted Chicken and Corn with lemon (no butter). No after dinner snack.
No Alcohol Day 1 was easy. Day 1 usually is easy so now I am ready for an easy Day 2.
Knowing I have set my mind to do this and that I can accomplish my goals is the key. No amount of longing to be in this head space where I know I am willing to make the needed sacrifices – or even more accurately, to not even see them as sacrifices because they are so obviously what I need to choose for greatest health and happiness.
This is the life I am building. Each day I get to spend here with my family is a gift. I can repay part of that gift by living my healthiest life. This way I am not going to burden my children or husband with watching me struggle with depression and ill health.
I did say No to afternoon tortilla chips and after dinner Rocky Road ice cream and I didn't even struggle with those choices.
A big key is asking if I am hungry. Eric had offered me a piece of corn sometime between lunch and dinner and I checked in with my hunger. I wasn't hungry, so saying, “Not now thank you, I'm not hungry.” Although it sounds so odd given the culture of eating 24/7 that we live in here – it is actually refreshing to think about limiting food choices to three times a day.
Being thoughtful about what you are eating can be a full time job – but if you are only having to think about what you are doing at meal time and the rest of the time you have a No Thank You policy – think of the freedom you have to answer other bigger questions, better desires.
Now if I can get some much needed sleep all would be well.
Sunday October 9, 2011
Sunday was a challenge in the evening. My mother-in-law was our dinner guest and I opened a bottle of red wine. I poured two glasses, one for her and one for... well I wasn't sure. I was very tempted to post-pone the start of this no drinking alcohol project – but I didn't. So Day 2 was a hard earned win.
Monday October 10, 2011 was easy. I avoided all the free food in the office.
Tuesday October 11, 2011 was easy. I added another day of three meals and no snacking between meals to my list of accomplishments. The scale is mocking me, saying, “It isn't working.” But I am not ready to give up yet.
Wednesday October 12, 2011 was easy. I stuck to my plan.
Thursday October 13, 2011 was easy. I stuck to my plan.
Friday October 14, 2011
Said no thanks to the vanilla wafer that Eric offered me a few hours after dinner. Very tempted to eat a saltine at 9:00pm, thinking – just one won't hurt me. But then I pictured all the other “just one” exceptions and resisted.
Saturday October 15, 2011
Woke up and headed to the scale. It read 169.0. I did step on the scale last Saturday, it had said 178. So I have lost 9 pounds in one week. I am feeling good about my plan. It is easy, enjoyable and doesn't require a lot of effort.
Sunday October 16, 2011
Scale down to 168.8. It is easy to stick to a plan when it is working. My jeans fit better, I look better, I feel better. Three meals a day is plenty of food. This is so much easier than I thought possible.
